This Isn’t working.

I am not comforted by my daily interactions with people.  I continually question my ‘performance’ in any conversation and feel I am about as interesting to speak with as a piece of driveway gravel.  Perhaps uninteresting doesn’t quite cover it, depressing is more appropriate.  I know I’m depressing.  I’m the Debbie downer for your party.   I rain on everybody’s parade and if I try to do otherwise it comes off sounding unnatural and embarrassing.  I rarely have a happy thought and so have become unaccustomed to happiness.

This is all sounding as though I’m very angry when in reality I’m just sad.  If you haven’t guessed by now today was another doctor visit day.  It was with a rehabilitation therapist this time, a young, handsome and quietly friendly man.  I was struck by my inability to answer his questions.  As the meeting wore on I realized his concern for my child seemed to out-weigh mine.  Is it possible I’ve grown to not care anymore?  Perhaps I’m confusing caring with action.  He has a definite proactive stance that I lack.  For a time I felt moved to accomplish anything our little son needed, now that feeling has disappeared.  I feel neglectful and selfish, yes selfish.  I’ve occupied a lot of my time recently with my wardrobe.  I dressed stylishly for the appointment today perhaps hoping to make a good impression, or hide the fact that I am an incompetent care giver.  I sat there in my cute little plaid pants and Peruvian alpaca poncho and I felt stupid and egocentric as I realized my failings.

Poor weight gain is always a big issue.  On being asked how long it takes to feed him four ounces, I lied and said about an hour (in reality it’s more like 2).  “That’s a long time” he said and concluded that most of our day is spent feeding.  Yes that is true, but in order for me to accomplish other tasks throughout the day (including writing this wickedness) I often deprive him his needed nutrition.  This I did not tell him.

He spoke about the possible need for a feeding tube, but to my relief scheduled us for a feeding workshop first.  He also scheduled a wheelchair workshop but I won’t go into that. 

This doctor in no way made me feel guilty about anything, I’ve already felt this way for awhile, right down to my faulty womb.  It’s just today everything became blatantly obvious and disturbing.  I don’t mean to sour anyone’s day by expressing my current feelings, but I always hope writing things down will in some small way help me with my insecurities.  I honestly despise myself right now and apologize and ask that no one carry this weight but me.  Forgive me for being silent for awhile, but I don’t think I can contribute to my friends or families needs in any positive way until I’ve worked out some issues.

So pause everyone, and put your hands to your ears.  Listen ever so piously to the sound of a soul entering the universe.  It is tragic, frightening, and beautiful.  Our fragile terrestrial lives limit us to our known surroundings, it seems impossible to know any other existence.  Only through our imagination and dreams do we catch a glimpse of this other world, a world through which our loved ones can touch our lives in a new way.
With damp eyes and heavy hearts we sit and ponder the future.  What now?  What to do in a world without our loved one?  The answer ever so simply, comes from the soul itself.  It is carried on the wind, an echo too gentle to be heard by our ears; but if we listen intently and with great meditation, it can be heard with our hearts.